Sunday, August 25, 2013

A Whole Lotta Stuff

It has been four months since my last post. So much has been going on.

Our last winter snow occurred on May 17th this year, either tying or breaking a record for late season snow. The weather after that for two months was perfect and beautiful, even downright hot for a long time. Almost no rain at all. Even so, we only managed to get out in it a couple of times. We got a canoe and paddled the entire length of Eklutna Lake, a feat my arms will not soon forget. Carrying the canoe back up the hill to the car afterwards was a form of torture no creature ever deserves.

And then on August 1st, the rain started. It has rained most days this month. A couple of nights ago we had a big storm roll through with hail, thunder, and lightning. Dexter actually got a little freaked out by it.

Speaking of Dexter, he and Daisy are so close and cute together, the adorableness simply floods the house. They are often cuddled up and cleaning each other. They stopped sleeping with us when the weather got hot, but every once in while they like to sit next to us or curl up in our laps. Dexter is sleek and still fairly small, a face full of character and goofiness. He likes to eat dog fur fluffies and carpet fuzz from the kitty tree. He even threw up one of my hair ties. He adores his felt mousy toys. His tongue sticks out almost all the time.

It has been something of a trial with his bathroom habits. He seems to have decided that he doesn't like the self-cleaning litter boxes (a serious disappointment for me; I loved them, and they were expensive.) AND he doesn't like "World's Best Cat Litter," which truly is the best. So he has developed a habit of crapping on the floor near the boxes. I have to keep them clean by scooping several times a day, because he won't use one that has anything in it. It's a pain, but I'm figuring him out.

Recently I admitted to myself why I have avoided writing for the last four or five months: I'm still sort of depressed and definitely exhausted.

At night I still sometimes get sad and cry over the loss of my furbabies, Dusty and Asuka. And I still always question what happened. I've lost my faith and my confidence in many things that used to be part of my coping and support system, and have nothing to replace them. I've been spending all my spare time playing video games that I have played before. For a while I started making teddy bears again, but quit halfway through one.

I've gotten sick/injured a couple of times recently and I think it's because I'm teaching a lot and there's no one to substitute for me. So the exhaustion and depression combined to the point where I'm occasionally cleaning the house, but not really accomplishing anything.

I had my heart and hopes pinned on the theatre's production of "Brigadoon" getting me out of this cycle. They did not get nearly as many people as they needed at the auditions, and still I did not get the lead or the supporting female part. Even with the one actor that I counted on showing up to auditions, it didn't happen. He got cast as the father of the lead female role. I guess I've passed my prime age window for lead roles.

I know that I would have gotten in the show if I was willing to accept any role. I'm not willing. Especially for a show that's rehearsing all summer long. I was shocked to find one of my friends with a gorgeous voice was cast in the chorus as well. Everyone is always telling me what a wonderful voice I have, so if we can't get decent roles on account of our talent, I start to wonder why I try anymore.

So now I'm a little apprehensive of auditioning for the musical that is just four female roles. The problem is that they have to play an age range of eighteen to twenty-eight. The first act is senior year in high school, the second act is the ten year reunion. This can go one of two ways: the cast will be women all around my age who look young enough to pass as a group (thirties who still have a uniform youthful look), or the cast will be women who are actually in that age range. It can't be a mix, or the women who are older will look much older beside the younger ones.

The theatre situation has got me questioning if I really have any talent at all, if maybe I'm an old hag that everyone is trying to placate and humor. A lot of things I used to be sure about are questionable at best now.

Now I'm left battling my own desire to hide away and do nothing of worth. I tell myself I don't want to start a project because something is going to interrupt it (husband getting home, needing to practice routines, cleaning house, etc). I'm even reading books I've read before so I don't have to pay attention to them. I feel overwhelmed every time I start something, thinking about everything that needs to be done.

I'm floundering a bit, trying to find direction again. I went and sang at a karaoke contest where the finalists compete at the Alaska State Fair. I got second place and a finalist spot for the show this Friday, and I'm nervous. I have deep issues with contests like this, stemming from childhood school trauma. (I can hear you asking, "So why did you do it?" Simple answer: I love to sing.)

I'm even second guessing this entire post as I write it, reread it, write some more, delete stuff, yadda yadda. Argh, make it stop.

If anyone has any extra inspiration or confidence lying about, I'd be glad to take it off your hands. :)


Matthew said...

Oh, sweetie, you just described exactly why I left theater years ago. After being the favorite (or at least one of them), I couldn't stomach being the "gap filler" anymore.
Your year sounds a lot like mine: a lot of realizing that yes, this really is as good as it's going to get.
Let's hope together we're wrong!

Matthew said...

Hugs and love to you, Logan, and the new fur children!

Sparklecat said...

I miss you so much, Matthew! :) Someday I want to fly you up here so we can sit and talk for hours.